


UNO REVERSE BITCH!

by Pai61 (orphan_account)



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Bathtubs, Canon Gay Relationship, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Fluffy Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kissing, M/M, Simon Snow is Gay for Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow, Watford Eighth Year
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24800749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Pai61
Summary: Simon wants to be witty when he fights with Baz. Penny wants Simon to shut up. Baz is a dramatic little shit. Penny invites the gang for a well played magickal game of Uno. What if every special card had a spell? What if.... simon wasnt a complete idiot (some parts are missing) and baz couldnt take sleeping on the floor so they actually solved this shit easily..... just kidding!...Unless?This is a crack fic. But light and emotional and just angsty heart melting shit.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 4
Kudos: 68





	UNO REVERSE BITCH!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BasilAndSnow61](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BasilAndSnow61/gifts).



> Btw the suicide stuff is light. Like normal baz "woe is me I wanna die and leave my love to flourish like a flower etc. Etc. " it's not that bad but just letting ya know.

**Simon**

I honestly have no idea how Penny hasn't lost her cool and slapped me upside the head sooner. 

**Penny**

I swear I tried to do it lightly. 

**Simon**

I don't blame her at all. In retrospect, I was getting really annoying. I just don't know how she put up with me for so many years. In my defense, Baz is a right git and he frustrates me so much. I have so many things I could tell him. 

How he's too good looking to be human.

How his hair is so posh he looks like a spoiled prick.

How being that much of a football star is definitely vampire influenced.

The usual shit. 

I just never manage to say it to him when it matters. He always catches me off guard. 

**Penny**

I really should have more patience with him. I know he struggles with his words. I just wish _I_ didn't have to hear his latest account of how Basilton utterly wrecks him and makes him swoon with his 'sexy' fangs ("Penny don't put it in quotes they really are hot! It's too suspicious!") And cruel remarks ("His face when he says them I just… stop thinking! He's too distracting"). I feel as though I should apologize… although it is not really my place. He kind of deserved that slap. I am not here to be his friend just so he can waste both our times talking about his obvious crush ("Penny! It's not a _crush_ he's a _vampire_!"). And if we spend all our time apologizing to each other for stepping on each others toes we won't ever have time to really be friends. 

But…. It looked like it stung a bit although I did spell most of the damage away. The back if his neck still looks a bit red. 

Wait…. I have an idea!

**Simon**

When Penny returns with her triumphant smile and smug posture, I know she has either achieved something out of this world or she has another remedy for my ' _Baz_ ' problem. I don't have a ' _Baz_ ' problem. 

Well. I mean. He _is_ one of my most prominent problems but it's not because of _me_. 

He's just bloody annoying.

"Simon! I have the solution to your little problem!" _Shit._ She holds out a deck of cards for me, but there are significantly less than there should be and they don't look like normal ones. 

" _Uno_ , Simon. This is it! You don't have to use words! Just use these cards! They are the special ones, so now you can finally have a row with Baz (and hopefully shag all this tension out)!"

I blush at the last whispered bit. 

"Don't say that!" I hiss furiously. "I'm not- I don't-" she looks at me softly and shakes her head. Handing the reduced pack to me mutely we head our separate ways. Me to my room, her to hers. 

**Baz**

I swear, Bunce and the ray of fucking sunshine are plotting. I am not one to say it, but I think I have to pull a Snow because whatever passed between them after supper is definitely suspicious. Has Bunce finally given in to Snow's whims and I should expect my death soon? 

The door slams open and I flinch and go back to pretending to read my advanced mathematics textbook. When Snow steps in I give him my customary sneer. I wouldn't do it if I didn't feel like I would fall apart if I was kind. I open my mouth to say something and he flashes something in front of me, completely silent.

My mouth snaps shut. Which isn't a strange thing by itself but… I didn't make it snap shut. 

My mouth tastes like sage and bitter chocolate and suddenly I know Bunce and Snow _were_ up to something. Somehow Bunce magicked a deck of _Uno cards_? I peer closely at the card he used. The skip turn card. I try to open my mouth to speak but I can't. I use Snow's typical move and growl low in my throat. His head whips toward me and I put every ounce of malice I own into the glare I give him. His grin slowly creeps up his face and if it wasn't based off my misery I would have basked in the glow. He laughs at bends over. I scowl and leap off my bed. I stalk over to him and he shrinks a bit before standing as tall as he can, his jaw squared. I look over him and fist my hands in his shirt. Fear blooms in his eyes and he shouts out "Anathema!" I let go and open my mouth. 

"Thanks, Snow. Pull that shit again and I will drag you out of this room and cut your tongue out." My voice is low and dark. He swallows and blinks. I take a few seconds to let my gaze linger on his throat and he shrinks even further. 

**Simon**

Baz looks like he might bite me. He's staring at my throat and for some reason it makes me flush. Why my body wants to bring blood to the places he wants to bite most I don't know. It's weird but I kind of want to tilt my neck. I want to see how he would react. 

Which is stupid because if he did that he would kill me. He looks at my eyes one last time, and leaves the room with a slam. I breathe out in relief…. Or something and look at my new weapon. Because it is a game the Anathema didn't cast me out for it. I smirk. I am finally prepared to face Baz and his silver tongue.

**Baz**

I sneak back into the room late at night. I’m not going to lie and say whatever Snow did with that Uno card didn’t scare the ever loving numpty shit out of me, but it did. Taking away a mage’s voice is the worst thing one can do. Phillipa Stainton still appears in my dreams, screaming mutely and strangling me with her freshly lacquered nails digging into the skin of my neck. 

She’s fucking terrifying. Even if she’s practically defenceless now that she has no voice. Which is my fault. I made her that way.

Maybe this is karma come to collect, and Snow is going to royally fuck soemthing up and I’ll lose my voice, or better yet (and hopefully) my life. Wouldn’t that be the dream. Then I could stop hurting him. Making his life hell. Maybe then I could escape the shitstorm that is my life and my future. Because as long as Snow exists on this planet to destroy me along with every other evil, I have no future. Which is fine, because then he can have his golden sunsets and numerous babies with Wellbelove as he grows old in the countryside eating scones until he dies of a well overdue heart attack. 

Despite the lovely fantasy of me being impaled upon his sword in a glorious battle, dying on account of an Uno card does not sound as tempting as I would have believed. In fact, it’s a little bit too mediocre. I always dreamed I would go out in flames, saying the words that would end me after I grabbed Snow by the tie and snogged him senseless over his bloody sword. But an Uno card... I’m not really picturing it. It’s unique, for sure. But it’s kind of pathetic. When they collect my ashes or whatever, I really don’t want “got tragically killed by a card game” on my urn. 

This is all based off whether or not Snow can actually commit murder with a couple of cards, but if he takes away my voice, it might as well be murder. My whole life revolves around the ability to perform magic. Without it? I have nothing. I have known these flames since my birth. I would be a cold, empty, undead shell without my mother’s fire to keep me warm. 

However, I did warn him, so he won’t attempt that shit again, but it’s still frightening that now Snow has this over me. Will he really end me? Discovering my vampirism would be easier with a corpse to work with so they can rip out my fangs and conduct studies on me. 

Fuck. I really don’t know what he’s going to do.

Actually. In retrospect, I believe I am thinking much too highly of him. He probably has something very ridiculous and idiotic planned with those cards which at most will humiliate me. 

I always overthink things, Merlin. I have nothing to worry about that I can’t handle when it comes.

**Simon**

In the morning, I clatter around my room at a new record hour. Baz clutches his pillow and slithers further under his covers. Git.

He’ll get what’s coming for him today. I am completely prepared. He cannot insult me without suffering a bit of innocent damage afterwards!

To be honest, I’ll probably refrain from using the skip card, because that really pissed him off, and taking away a mage’s voice, even temporarily, is the worst feeling ever. I should know, since he did the same thing to me.

I guess we are even in that area.

Thank God for Penny and her brilliant ideas!

I slam the door behind me and make my way to the great hall for scones and butter. Penny’s waiting for me, with a book and a hand extended to fix my tie. I lean down so she can right it and then head over to the line to fill a plate with scones. I sit down and dig in. I keep my eyes on the door, and watch as Baz comes in, about twenty minutes later, flagged by Dev and Niall. 

I am hoping he will turn to look at me, to acknowledge me. But he doesn’t. It’s kind of weird. He always has time for a sneer. He must still be livid I guess.

Whatever. He’ll see he can’t frighten me anymore.

**Baz**

My objective today is to completely ignore and avoid Snow. I don’t even insult him. I just pretend he doesn’t exist. Part of me hopes that he’ll leave me alone and we can go our separate ways, and the other part of me is screaming for him to lose his cool and just slaughter me where I stand. Honestly, the tension is so thick I can’t bloody stand it. What the fuck is he trying to do? Light me on fire with his gaze?

I swear to Morgana if he starts his fifth year habits again I will bite him. (I wouldn’t. Not really. Just a little nip to surprise him. Maybe kiss the spot after. Then definitely light myself on fire because _great magick_ that’s fucking embarrasing).

Of course, the great gods of the world have cursed me with horrid luck, so now Snow, sans Bunce, has resumed his fifth year game of “Let’s follow Basil until both of us are insanely sleep deprived and extremely irritated!”

Guess it’s another cold, sleepless night in the catacombs for me. 

**Simon**

Of course Baz heads to the catacombs. It’s his favorite place to retreat to. Because I can never find him. But tonight I will. I have to. 

I don’t even bother to mask my steps as I follow him into the dusty darkness. I think both of us are over that after fifth year. Eventually I think Baz just gives up, because I can’t hear him moving up ahead. I keep going with my wand illuminating the way. He’s got his feet spread apart, his wand out, and a snarl going. I smile at him and prepare my deck.

**Baz**

Oh this bastards going to get it. I can’t go through fifth year again. That was the worst year of my life. Now I know I love him. I know he’ll never love me back. And I am _not_ going to give up _my_ beauty rest so this prick can have his way. 

It’s now or never Snow. Your move.

**Simon**

“So, _Basilton_. I can see you’ve been avoiding me,” these are the words that I have practiced so that I could provoke and expose, “any plotting to confess?” If Penny were here, she would shake her head. She says I rely on the word ‘plotting’ too much.

**Baz**

Of course he goes back to his ridiculous idea that I’m always plotting. I really don’t want to say anything, but I can’t help it. I’ve grown accustomed to throwing a remark back his way. 

“It seems you have missed my attention, Snow-” but I don’t get much farther because he’s thrusted out his arm with a card in it.

“Uno reverse, bitch!” he yells triumphantly, and then something incredibly shocking happens. 

It’s shocking for two reasons. 

  1. Because the reverse card technically should not have this effect. 



And

2\. Because I would _never_ say the next words out loud. But I do against my will. My voice moves out on it’s own. 

“It seems _I_ have missed _your_ attention, Snow.”

Kill me now.

**Simon**

That was not what I was expecting. I was kind of expecting him to spell something at me and then hopefully the card would throw whatever he said back at him if I reacted fast enough, but instead he said just a regular come back... and it flipped. His words got reversed.

And for some weird reason I’m not going to think about... I blushed at his words. I lowered my arm, and I _blushed_.

What in the fuck?

**Baz**

Oh, shit. Well, obviously he must think I didn’t mean it. But I just cannot understand for the life of me what his _face_ means. It looks so _weird_ . Soft, flushed. It’s driving me crazy. I haven’t seen that expression before in my life. He’s never made it. What does it _mean_?

It’s too confusing, so I rush out of there instead. He doesn’t follow. Thank Merlin.

**Simon**

I just stand there, even after he’s left. Just standing, thinking,

Which as Baz would say, is probably dangerous.

And I am starting to agree because I just keep feeling hotter. Like I’m about to burst. But not in a bad way, if that makes sense (it doesn’t to me).

As if my heart (“So cheesy, Snow.”) were swelling. Butterflies swarm my stomach (“Dreadfully cliché, can’t you do any better?). It’s so strange. I don’t understand it. I should go ask Penny...

**Penny**

What. An. Idiot.

On a side note however, that is not what I was expecting the deck to do. Such an interesting effect. I should study it when I get the chance. 

But Simon is an idiot. I love him as if he were my own brother, but goodness he is so dumb. 

He’s been ranting for the last hour about how he _feels_ . About Baz. The second part should be obvious. But great magick doesn’t he know what _love_ feels like? I really shouldn’t have to explain this. I mean, he just broke up with Agatha, who he thought he loved... if I explain that the stuff he has never felt before Baz means love, will he change his mind about how he thinks about Agatha? He’s still of the mind that he and Agatha are destined to be together.

In that light, maybe I should. He and Agatha would be absolutely miserable if they got back together. Maybe I should make Simon aware.

But he needs to come to that conclusion on his own. 

Oh, Simon. It’s been 8 years. How long will it take you?

**Simon**

Penny was of no help, which is surprising, but also not, because it was about Baz and she’s basically cleaned her hands of him. She just gave me this _look_ while I explained. Her eyebrows were up, and she was looking at me over the rims of her glasses. Her head was cocked to the side and it was propped up on one hand that was simultaneously massaging her temple. As if she had an enormous headache. 

I hope she feels better. 

**Baz**

I don’t know what other tricks he has up his sleeve, so I have to be cautious. Meaning. Dev and Niall are getting a new roommate until I figure out what to do. 

At least, that’s the plan. But the truth is I have no idea what I can do, and Dev and Niall are probably shagging, which means I can't stay in their room for more than one night if I don’t want to make them frustrated and overly aggressive. Those two are so hormonal, it’s appalling. I mean, one is a _Grimm_ , he should have more control. I guess he must find Niall too appealing. Whatever. They always were inseparable. I’m just glad they can finally sort it out.

Since I _really_ don’t want to stay in the catacombs, I guess I’ll have to put up with Snow. After last night was spent with the boys, I really need a shower. Maybe a bath. A nice long bath. 

Multi Purposed to avoid Snow and piss him off. Magnificent. 

Today’s classes I spent jittery and irritated because my clothes were borrowed and I felt tired and dirty. I deserve a nice bath. 

I creep into our room cautiously to make sure Snow can’t pounce on me with another one of his cards then rapidly grab everything I need and lock myself in the bathroom. I fill the tub with scalding water and climb in, relaxing.

It’s lovely for about five seconds.

That bloody nightmare of sunshine and smoke has to go ahead and ruin it. 

**Simon**

This is definitely on the list of all the most stupid and not thought through things I have done. I was so anxious to Baz and question him about why I felt so weird after what he said I did not think about what he could be doing in the bathroom with the door locked.

A part of me is glad he wasn’t shitting. That same part of me is almost thankful that he’s in the bath instead.

The other part of me is speechless.

And alarmed. Which is why it sort of makes sense that I would randomly pull out a card from the deck and use it.

Because Baz (who is naked) would pull a wand out (of nowhere because he’s _naked_ ) and assault me (naked).

It’s entirely my fault that the next things out of my mouth are completely not intended and said against my will. I really should have asked Penny what she thought the cards would do.

“You’re naked! You’re so fit and pretty!”

I guess I know what the +2 card does now. Such a _lovely_ backfiring card. 

**Baz**

He thinks I’m _pretty_? What the hell. He has to be joking.

But he isn’t. Because he’s got that face that says “I have no idea what I just did” and he is holding one of his dumb cards. Did the card somehow backfire? I can’t see what it says but the more pressing issue is that Snow is bright red and avoiding my nether region. Because I am now standing up (damn it’s cold) with an arm extended (empty. I’m so used to having my wand with me). Snow seems to realize the situation and is finally finished processing because he squeaks and rapidly hurries out of the bathroom. 

Oh, Merlin.

**Simon**

Oh god.

That was very well gay.

Actually. My _brain_ is very well gay. Because since I barged in that bathroom (oh god I need to apologize) (maybe later he’s still naked) (Oh Christ _stop Simon!)_ I have been seeing... well- _him_ , in my head. The water dripping off his hair and eyelashes, trailing down his neck, running down his chest, disappearing into the trail of dark hair that leads to his-

NOPE.

I can’t believe I called him fit and pretty. And stared at him. Oh god that was so wrong of me. And now I am dearly paying for it because I can’t stop _seeing_. 

Am I _attracted_ to _Baz_ ? Who is a bloke. And a vampire. And my _enemy_?

I can’t be... no way.

I mean... It explains some of my earlier reactions but this is insane. I can’t be _gay_ for _Baz_. He’s... Baz!

I look down at my lap and then immediately look up again, newly frustrated. 

Clearly, I am very gay for Baz. I mean, thinking usually doesn’t work out for me, so I usually trust my body. 

And my body is very, very attracted to Baz. 

Suddenly images flood my brain.

Baz leaning over a book after a long day, his hair out of place and falling around his face.

Baz sprinting on the pitch, hair in a bun, his glorious calves flexing as he makes a perfect kick that seals the team’s victory.

Baz casting in class, confident and calm, a pure smile that lasts a few seconds after he succeeds, as if he never gets tired of it.

Baz during a test, a self assured look on his face as he waltzes up to the front of the class to be the first to hand in his exam.

Baz standing in the bath, water running down his body, dipping into crevices and creases.

Yes. I am very, very attracted to Baz.

Which presents a whole new issue.

I need Penny.

**Penny**

This boy is a pure idiot. I adore him, but dear Morgana this is ridiculous.

I’m just glad he finally gets it.

**Baz**

I finish up (I wasn’t joking about taking a bath. Even Snow can’t change my mind when it comes to hygiene) but I do it in a hurry because I need somewhere to think. And I don’t know when Snow could come back. I throw on some casuals and a jacket and rush out. I head to the woods because Snow will not look for me there. And because I need something larger than rats this time.

**Simon**

After Penny and I talked briefly, she practically yelled at me to fix my mistake so I rushed out of the library and up to our room. I’m here now, and Baz isn’t.

I want to check the catacombs, but something tells me he isn’t going to be there. I have my wand and my deck (which is much smaller now for some reason. I didn notice they disappeared after I used them). I just have two left. Maybe they can help. I race out to the courtyard and I spin around, searching for Baz. Something pulls at my gut and I turn in the direction I know I need to go. I sprint to the woods and I let my instinct lead me. 

Years of following Baz, watching Baz, _needing_ Baz around me has tuned me to where he is. I know why now.

**Baz**

I catch a couple of rabbits and drain them. I have the carcasses I plan to throw to the werewolves in one hand and my wand in the other. I can’t trust whatever might be in the woods right now. The wood sprites love to mess with me, even though they know I only hunt the animals that come in abundance, and since there has been a lack of predators in these woods of late, I know a couple of bunnies won’t hurt. They still get pissed when I don’t leave the corpses to contribute to the ecosystem. Like I’m going to leave blatant evidence lying about where anyone can find it. 

I still when I hear someone stumbling among the brush and I position myself facing the noise, prepared to attack. When I hear the familiar footsteps and breathing pattern I act instinctively and cast a summoning spell on his cards as soon as I see them. But only one flies towards the hand I freed after I dropped the rabbits. His other hand is preparing to stretch out and use the other card. 

As soon as the card enters my hand my mouth opens and I am once again compelled to do something I did not intend to do. 

"I'm a vampire."

Dear Merlin. Why? Yes. Let's just get a backfiring card and blurt out the secret that could end your life and ruin your family! Wonderful.

**Simon**

Oh shit I was not expecting that. Baz looks terrified from what I can see with the fading light of the sun. He looks ready to bolt. But he can't leave. Not until I talk to him. Not until I fix this and wipe that expression off his face so he never has to feel scared again. 

I thrust out my arm and use the card I have left. From what I gathered he got the wild card, which must be a relevant secret spilling card. That means I have the +4 wild card. If it works the way I think it should he should realize I am not lying to him. 

"I don't care that you're a vampire. I think it's hot that you have fangs and are ridiculously fit and vampiric. I'm in love with you. I like your hair better down and wavy."

4 secrets off the top of your head. The last back firing card. 

Baz just looks at me. His face is blank and smooth. If you didn't know to look closer you might think him indifferent. But I know those eyes. I know what they can't hide. 

He still looks afraid.

**Baz**

He can't be serious. After years of saying I was a monster and actively trying to prove it, he says he doesn't care? He finds it _hot_? Can I trust him? I know I used the wild card (but it's gone now. I don't know why). And I can see he has the +4 wild card in one hand, and the rest of the deck in his other (is it like the actual game? They disappear after you use them and once you have used the whole deck they go back into play?) I assume that just like the other backfiring cards he has to say the truth. Can I trust it? Should I?

"Baz…" he is watching me. His eyes soft. What does it mean? 

"It means I love you, you dumb git," he says gently and it shocks me. Was I speaking out loud?

**Simon**

He didn't have to say it out loud but I knew what he wanted to say. I knew what he was trying to tell me with those eyes. I step forward cautiously. I may know my feeling for him, but I could not even guess what he feels for me.

That's wrong. I guess I can

Disgust? Horror? Hate? Anger? Confusion?

...love? Is it too awful to hope?

**Baz**

Snow steps closer, carefully. Like he doesn't know how I will react. 

That's a question. How _will_ I react? 

I guess I can just follow my gut. I guess I can pretend to be brave or just stupid. Like Snow.

**Simon**

I am about to turn around and run for the hills when Baz lunges at me. I can almost imagine the end of my life before I realize that I am not dead and that Baz's cold mouth is on mine. 

Well damn. Okay. I can do this too.

**Baz**

Simon responds to me almost immediately. So we just kind of stand there like idiotic gays. Snogging in a forest. 

I can pretend it makes sense. 

**Simon**

"Be my boyfriend." He pulls back and opens his mouth to object but I beat him to it. "I don't care. The whole world could burn around us and I would still stand next to you and fight for you. I meant what I said. Unless… you don't want to. And then I can respect your decision and leave you alone-" and then he kisses me.

**Baz**

"I always knew we would go out in flames. Now we can do it together." I murmur against his lips. He smiles and clutches me closer.

"Cool." I pull back and raise my eyebrow. He chuckles and we walk side by side out of the woods. We are so fucked. But I am confident that we can fend off the world when it comes down to it. 

"Hey, Baz? Can you call me Simon now?"

"Okay…. Simon now." He hipchecks me with a low growl but his eyes are playful. I am quite scared by what's happening. And I really want to pull away and pretend this never happened so my heart won't get broken. But… I really want to have this. And if he breaks my heart? Well. At least I got these moments. At least I had him for a little bit. And I will be darned to vampire hell if I won't make the most of it. 

**Simon**

This is gonna sound stupid but Baz is really pretty.

  
  


**KEY**

_Cards in order of usage:_

_Skip card- temporarily mutes another person until the one who cast it speaks._

_Reverse card- makes the person who just spoke rephrase their sentense so that something is swapped, or reversed._

_+2 card- a self infliction card, referred to as a "backfiring card". Makes the user say the first two things they think of at that exact moment._

_Wild card- a self infliction card, or "backfiring card". Makes the user tell a relevant secret. This means they have to tell a secret that corresponds to the current situation (i.e. conversation, persons involved, environment, nearby objects, recent events)_

_+4 wild card- a self infliction card, or "backfiring card". Has the same tendencies as the +2 card and the wild card. The user must say 4 relevant secrets that apply to the person they are used on, or the situation, and are mainly taken from the current thoughts of the user. A secret in this situation is defined as something unsaid between the current players._

_Rules and regulations:_

_Once a card has been used it cannot be used again until all cards in the deck have been used, then the entire deck will reappear._

_To activate a card, it must actively be deployed via verbal command (not used frequently) or physical activation and thought activation._

_No limit as to how many cards a single player can use._

_A player may 'steal' the deck from another player, but cannot steal an individual card that is about to be activated._

_Since it is a game, it does not trigger the Anathema._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to basilandsnow61 for being a great beta and to my sis who gave me the idea.


End file.
